I am a dog.

It's been a long time since I have told you about my life and what I am doing. I'm sorry for that, if you have been annoyed. I really don't want to annoy you. I have just been busy.

Let's see. I'll try to remember some things that have happened, but I really don't think about the past too much, because the way I see it those things have already happened and they won't happen again (well, maybe they will, for example going to the park happens every day, but it is different every day, if you get my meaning). Anyway, so I was in Maine. That was nice. I got to jump in the lake and I got very wet when I did that which was cool. I ran. There were trees and so many very intense smells. I smelled them all, or most of them. There were a lot of people around but it was okay. They were nice to me. Oh, one weird thing happened, I got humped by my cousin Lucy. I didn't like that at all and I looked around and said "Please don't do that" very firmly but she didn't listen. She was feeling super-humpy and sometimes when other dogs are feeling super-humpy you just can't stop them.

I ate some chicken off the grill. Cousin Mary gave it to me. I don't think she was supposed to. Don't tell anyone.

There were a lot of booming noises. BOOOM BOOOOM CRASH BANG POP POP BANG. Boy, did I hate that. It wasn't raining and the humans were acting excited and I had no idea what was going on. BANG BANG POP SSSSPOP. I am normally a very brave dog but I will admit I quivered a bit.

So then we drove back to Brooklyn. BROOKLYN WHAT! That's right. When we got home I did more things, I went to the park and I had some good times with sticks and walking. I got to go to the bar down the street with my mom and Aunt Suzannah and some other people too. I really like it there. My boyfriend and Cousin Mary took me to a different park one day, it was one where you go up the street and turn left instead of right. They had a big caged area full of dogs and the dogs saw me and said "Hey, come on in," so I did, but then guess what? They humped me! Sneaky! It would have been fun to play in the big caged area because I saw some nice balls lying around, but I for one do not like to be humped by strangers, in public no less. So I came out and my boyfriend and Cousin Mary sat on a bench and ate sandwiches and there was a band playing and several mini-humans jumping up and down. I watched the mini-humans and thought about how juicy they looked. They're always so round and squishy, just like a ball. I got to eat some of Cousin Mary's sandwich, but again, I think technically that was illegal. I don't know. I am a dog.

OH. Oh my gosh, I totally forgot the most important thing. So I come strolling into Cousin Mary's room one day and there is totally this big green dog bed lying on the floor. It is this big pillowy soft green thing with a dog-sized indent in the middle and another piece that is just right for putting your chin on. Wow! Keep in mind, this is after I discover that my mom has put an entire mattress in the TV room, and that's totally sweet because I can just step right on to it and sleep. It's like all of a sudden everyone wants me to have soft things to rest on. I'm not complaining.

Well, then Cousin Mary did say something about "dog hair all over the bean bag chair" but I don't know what those words mean, do you? What do beans and bags have to do with chairs? Sometimes Cousin Mary talks funny.

You know what, I just made a mistake. No, I didn't pee on the floor, shut up. I haven't done that in ages. No, I forgot to tell you the really most important thing, which is that there is a new person living in our apartment, I don't know where she came from exactly but she definitely smells nice. She pats me on the head and that's what matters. Also, weirdly enough, my mom moved all her stuff out of her room and into Aunt Suzannah's room and it's all piled up. The new person put her stuff in the room my mom and I had been in. My bed is now on the side of Aunt Suzannah's bed. Weird, right? I mean, I don't really mind, my bed is my bed wherever it is, but it sure is peculiar.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll figure out what's going on and tell you all about it later. Right now I am tired of typing and I want to wake my boyfriend up. I think my methodology will involve licking, and also batting my eyes. That one always works, you better believe it.

Wow! Hey everybody! I am in Maine! What do you think about that? Personally, I think it is awesome!

More details later! Right now I am so happy I could pee! I mean I really could, I'd better go outside.

I just woke up from a nap and am feeling thoughtful.

I was re-reading this blog and I noticed that I spend a lot of time writing about things I like, namely sticks, the park, treats, and water. I really like these things. I like them a lot and I sometimes have dreams about them, like this one dream I just had where I was in the park and there were treats falling out of the trees and I was running and my mouth was open and treats were just falling on me and in my mouth and I spun around and around and there were more treats everywhere and it was really awesome. But of course it was just a dream, I know treats don't fall out of trees in the park, but I think it would be interesting if they did.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was, as much as I like sticks and the park and treats and the dog beach, I think I would still be happy without them, because I have nice humans who are my friends and family and that is what really matters. Even if something bad happened and all the sticks in the park disappeared, my mom would still love me and pat me and so would Aunt Suzannah and Cousin Mary and my boyfriend and the nice people I meet here in Brooklyn. I mean if the park disappeared one night and I had to pee on the sidewalk for the rest of my life I would be sad, and possibly annoyed. But I would just think harder about my humans and then it would be okay. So that's what I'm thinking about today. Things sometimes go wrong or go away, but if you have nice humans you can still be perfectly happy.

Water: I like it. Today I got to swim in some water, specifically the water in the park that is specifically for dogs and not humans. Usually I am only allowed to go a little way into the water but today, hot damn! I went all the way in. Even the top of my head got wet, from all the splashing, because there were a lot of other dogs in the water too. One of them had a tennis ball. I am not lying to you when I say this tennis ball was sweet. It had been floating around in the water for a while and it had been loved very much by someone's mouth so when I bit into it it made a very pleasant squishing sound. It felt nice in my teeth and the other dog was totally dumb, he didn't want his tennis ball, even though his owner had this fancy gadget for throwing the ball without touching it with his hands.

So, water. It's really good and you should find some to get in, if you can. Things I like about water include the fact that it is wet and then my fur gets all wet and cool and when I swim I paddle my legs and I feel almost like I am flying, sort of. Afterwards it is nice to lie in the grass and dry off before going home. In conclusion, I highly recommend water for everyone.

p.s. also: I would like to take a moment to comment on the mini-human I tried to tackle this evening on 7th avenue. my point was I wanted to put my paws on his shoulders because I had something very important to tell him. I can't remember what it was now, but I thought of it then and I thought he should know because mini-humans don't know much and they need to be told but I got carried away and everyone screamed at me but I was just trying to help and that's how I help because I am a dog.

I am a dog.
I am hot.
Does this mean I am a hot dog?

I think it does.

No more internetting for me now. I am going to lie very very still on the floor in Cousin Mary's room, right under the fan and right behind her desk chair so she will accidentally roll on me when she gets up to make more coffee and then I will squeal and bat my eyes and maybe she will take me outside to play because she feels so guilty for rolling on my paws. I may be a hot dog but I know how to work humans.

Wow. As Aunt Suzannah just said, it sure has been an eventful few days.

I think I will start with this morning, because it just happened and is first in line in my brain.

This morning Aunt Suzannah took me to the park to play with the sticks. She threw the sticks and I ran after the sticks and I caught the sticks in my mouth and held them and loved them and ran ran ran through the grass. I was very happy. Then all of a sudden I was running with this one stick, a long and pretty stick, and all of a sudden it was behind me and on my back and I could not catch it even though I tried to put my mouth on it. I was still running. Aunt Suzannah was laughing and yelling but I did not understand what she was saying. Finally I realized what had happened: somehow the stick had gotten caught in my collar, and it was stuck in there and I couldn't get it loose. I have never had a stick do that to me before. For a while I thought maybe the sticks were plotting some kind of plot against me, but Aunt Suzannah got the stick and patted me and said it was okay, it was just an accident.

All right, so then, working backwards to last night. Rather, the night before. Chronology is a little difficult for me because I am a dog. So the night before, Aunt Suzannah was taking me out on my walk (my mom is in New Jersey and Cousin Mary hasn't been sleeping at home for some reason, I don't know what's happening there, but she did stay home last night and that made me happy and I sat on her floor and made my tail go whump whump whump and then she went out and I thought maybe she was going to leave again but she came back and I swear I think when she goes away like that she is seeing my boyfriend and I am starting to wonder if she is taking him to the park to throw sticks without me, I really should confront her about this sometime). Where was I?

Oh right. Walk. Now, you should know that my apartment is upstairs. You have to go up the first flight of stairs and then I always think I'm done and everyone tugs on my leash because there is another flight. Usually the stairways are lit by lightbulbs in the ceiling, but for some reason all the lightbulbs are broken and it is very very dark. I was on my leash with Aunt Suzannah in the dark and we thought there was enough light from the window to see, but apparently there wasn't, because halfway down the stairs I couldn't see the next step and my paws flew out from under me and I rolled down! I fell! Aunt Suzannah ran down and saw that I was all right, just a little startled and irritated at having to roll down stairs when I just wanted to go outside and pee. She went and got a flashlight so I would not fall again, but right now I feel like maybe the stairs and the sticks are working together somehow to surprise me when I least expect it. Do you think it's possible?

Treats: I like them. Specifically I like the homemade treats from Parco, which for fellow dogs in Brooklyn, is located on 7th Avenue between 14th and 15th Streets. Everyone who works there is very awesome because they love me, and more than once I have gotten a free treat (if you are not as cute as I am you will have to pay fifty cents for those treats).

My boyfriend lives right near Parco, so sometimes he picks up a treat on his way to visit me, and other times he sends one home with Cousin Mary. I should tell you how these treats are in my mouth. They are awesome. I can taste carrots and also cinnamon and Cousin Mary tells me they are made with whole-wheat flour which is good for me, because it has fiber, and that helps me poop, and I definitely enjoy pooping but only in the park. Not on the sidewalk, my god, what kind of animal do you think I am? I am a dog.

Back to the treats. They are shaped like doggie bones, that classic doggie bone shape that so many treats have, but since these are homemade by humans not machines they don't all look the same. Sometimes they are a little crunchy and sometimes they are a little chewy and sometimes they are pillowy-soft, that's what I like best, pillowy-soft. My boyfriend knows this and he tries to rummage around in the basket for a soft one and that is why he is my boyfriend.

Sometimes I drool on the floor when I am eating these treats. I guess that's embarrassing, but I can't help it, I think about the treat and it's in my mouth and my mouth waters and I'm chewing the treat and there's another bite headed my way and at times like these, you know, drool happens. I like my treats. I don't have them every day, so I enjoy them when I do have them, and after I have one I like to lie down somewhere, the floor, let's say, and think about how lucky I am to have such delicious treats in my mouth on a fairly regular basis.