I am a dog.

long time

2005-08-03T08:51:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I have told you about my life and what I am doing. I'm sorry for that, if you have been annoyed. I really don't want to annoy you. I have just been busy.

Let's see. I'll try to remember some things that have happened, but I really don't think about the past too much, because the way I see it those things have already happened and they won't happen again (well, maybe they will, for example going to the park happens every day, but it is different every day, if you get my meaning). Anyway, so I was in Maine. That was nice. I got to jump in the lake and I got very wet when I did that which was cool. I ran. There were trees and so many very intense smells. I smelled them all, or most of them. There were a lot of people around but it was okay. They were nice to me. Oh, one weird thing happened, I got humped by my cousin Lucy. I didn't like that at all and I looked around and said "Please don't do that" very firmly but she didn't listen. She was feeling super-humpy and sometimes when other dogs are feeling super-humpy you just can't stop them.

I ate some chicken off the grill. Cousin Mary gave it to me. I don't think she was supposed to. Don't tell anyone.

There were a lot of booming noises. BOOOM BOOOOM CRASH BANG POP POP BANG. Boy, did I hate that. It wasn't raining and the humans were acting excited and I had no idea what was going on. BANG BANG POP SSSSPOP. I am normally a very brave dog but I will admit I quivered a bit.

So then we drove back to Brooklyn. BROOKLYN WHAT! That's right. When we got home I did more things, I went to the park and I had some good times with sticks and walking. I got to go to the bar down the street with my mom and Aunt Suzannah and some other people too. I really like it there. My boyfriend and Cousin Mary took me to a different park one day, it was one where you go up the street and turn left instead of right. They had a big caged area full of dogs and the dogs saw me and said "Hey, come on in," so I did, but then guess what? They humped me! Sneaky! It would have been fun to play in the big caged area because I saw some nice balls lying around, but I for one do not like to be humped by strangers, in public no less. So I came out and my boyfriend and Cousin Mary sat on a bench and ate sandwiches and there was a band playing and several mini-humans jumping up and down. I watched the mini-humans and thought about how juicy they looked. They're always so round and squishy, just like a ball. I got to eat some of Cousin Mary's sandwich, but again, I think technically that was illegal. I don't know. I am a dog.

OH. Oh my gosh, I totally forgot the most important thing. So I come strolling into Cousin Mary's room one day and there is totally this big green dog bed lying on the floor. It is this big pillowy soft green thing with a dog-sized indent in the middle and another piece that is just right for putting your chin on. Wow! Keep in mind, this is after I discover that my mom has put an entire mattress in the TV room, and that's totally sweet because I can just step right on to it and sleep. It's like all of a sudden everyone wants me to have soft things to rest on. I'm not complaining.

Well, then Cousin Mary did say something about "dog hair all over the bean bag chair" but I don't know what those words mean, do you? What do beans and bags have to do with chairs? Sometimes Cousin Mary talks funny.

You know what, I just made a mistake. No, I didn't pee on the floor, shut up. I haven't done that in ages. No, I forgot to tell you the really most important thing, which is that there is a new person living in our apartment, I don't know where she came from exactly but she definitely smells nice. She pats me on the head and that's what matters. Also, weirdly enough, my mom moved all her stuff out of her room and into Aunt Suzannah's room and it's all piled up. The new person put her stuff in the room my mom and I had been in. My bed is now on the side of Aunt Suzannah's bed. Weird, right? I mean, I don't really mind, my bed is my bed wherever it is, but it sure is peculiar.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll figure out what's going on and tell you all about it later. Right now I am tired of typing and I want to wake my boyfriend up. I think my methodology will involve licking, and also batting my eyes. That one always works, you better believe it.

HAPPY DOG LIKE WHAT!!!

2005-07-02T17:49:00.000-04:00

Wow! Hey everybody! I am in Maine! What do you think about that? Personally, I think it is awesome!

More details later! Right now I am so happy I could pee! I mean I really could, I'd better go outside.

humans

2005-06-15T12:25:00.000-04:00

I just woke up from a nap and am feeling thoughtful.

I was re-reading this blog and I noticed that I spend a lot of time writing about things I like, namely sticks, the park, treats, and water. I really like these things. I like them a lot and I sometimes have dreams about them, like this one dream I just had where I was in the park and there were treats falling out of the trees and I was running and my mouth was open and treats were just falling on me and in my mouth and I spun around and around and there were more treats everywhere and it was really awesome. But of course it was just a dream, I know treats don't fall out of trees in the park, but I think it would be interesting if they did.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was, as much as I like sticks and the park and treats and the dog beach, I think I would still be happy without them, because I have nice humans who are my friends and family and that is what really matters. Even if something bad happened and all the sticks in the park disappeared, my mom would still love me and pat me and so would Aunt Suzannah and Cousin Mary and my boyfriend and the nice people I meet here in Brooklyn. I mean if the park disappeared one night and I had to pee on the sidewalk for the rest of my life I would be sad, and possibly annoyed. But I would just think harder about my humans and then it would be okay. So that's what I'm thinking about today. Things sometimes go wrong or go away, but if you have nice humans you can still be perfectly happy.

water is good

2005-06-13T22:58:00.000-04:00

Water: I like it. Today I got to swim in some water, specifically the water in the park that is specifically for dogs and not humans. Usually I am only allowed to go a little way into the water but today, hot damn! I went all the way in. Even the top of my head got wet, from all the splashing, because there were a lot of other dogs in the water too. One of them had a tennis ball. I am not lying to you when I say this tennis ball was sweet. It had been floating around in the water for a while and it had been loved very much by someone's mouth so when I bit into it it made a very pleasant squishing sound. It felt nice in my teeth and the other dog was totally dumb, he didn't want his tennis ball, even though his owner had this fancy gadget for throwing the ball without touching it with his hands.

So, water. It's really good and you should find some to get in, if you can. Things I like about water include the fact that it is wet and then my fur gets all wet and cool and when I swim I paddle my legs and I feel almost like I am flying, sort of. Afterwards it is nice to lie in the grass and dry off before going home. In conclusion, I highly recommend water for everyone.

p.s. also: I would like to take a moment to comment on the mini-human I tried to tackle this evening on 7th avenue. my point was I wanted to put my paws on his shoulders because I had something very important to tell him. I can't remember what it was now, but I thought of it then and I thought he should know because mini-humans don't know much and they need to be told but I got carried away and everyone screamed at me but I was just trying to help and that's how I help because I am a dog.

HOT

2005-06-07T14:14:00.000-04:00

I am a dog.
I am hot.
Does this mean I am a hot dog?

I think it does.

No more internetting for me now. I am going to lie very very still on the floor in Cousin Mary's room, right under the fan and right behind her desk chair so she will accidentally roll on me when she gets up to make more coffee and then I will squeal and bat my eyes and maybe she will take me outside to play because she feels so guilty for rolling on my paws. I may be a hot dog but I know how to work humans.

escapades

2005-06-03T08:19:00.000-04:00

Wow. As Aunt Suzannah just said, it sure has been an eventful few days.

I think I will start with this morning, because it just happened and is first in line in my brain.

This morning Aunt Suzannah took me to the park to play with the sticks. She threw the sticks and I ran after the sticks and I caught the sticks in my mouth and held them and loved them and ran ran ran through the grass. I was very happy. Then all of a sudden I was running with this one stick, a long and pretty stick, and all of a sudden it was behind me and on my back and I could not catch it even though I tried to put my mouth on it. I was still running. Aunt Suzannah was laughing and yelling but I did not understand what she was saying. Finally I realized what had happened: somehow the stick had gotten caught in my collar, and it was stuck in there and I couldn't get it loose. I have never had a stick do that to me before. For a while I thought maybe the sticks were plotting some kind of plot against me, but Aunt Suzannah got the stick and patted me and said it was okay, it was just an accident.

All right, so then, working backwards to last night. Rather, the night before. Chronology is a little difficult for me because I am a dog. So the night before, Aunt Suzannah was taking me out on my walk (my mom is in New Jersey and Cousin Mary hasn't been sleeping at home for some reason, I don't know what's happening there, but she did stay home last night and that made me happy and I sat on her floor and made my tail go whump whump whump and then she went out and I thought maybe she was going to leave again but she came back and I swear I think when she goes away like that she is seeing my boyfriend and I am starting to wonder if she is taking him to the park to throw sticks without me, I really should confront her about this sometime). Where was I?

Oh right. Walk. Now, you should know that my apartment is upstairs. You have to go up the first flight of stairs and then I always think I'm done and everyone tugs on my leash because there is another flight. Usually the stairways are lit by lightbulbs in the ceiling, but for some reason all the lightbulbs are broken and it is very very dark. I was on my leash with Aunt Suzannah in the dark and we thought there was enough light from the window to see, but apparently there wasn't, because halfway down the stairs I couldn't see the next step and my paws flew out from under me and I rolled down! I fell! Aunt Suzannah ran down and saw that I was all right, just a little startled and irritated at having to roll down stairs when I just wanted to go outside and pee. She went and got a flashlight so I would not fall again, but right now I feel like maybe the stairs and the sticks are working together somehow to surprise me when I least expect it. Do you think it's possible?

thoughts about treats

2005-05-24T18:01:00.000-04:00

Treats: I like them. Specifically I like the homemade treats from Parco, which for fellow dogs in Brooklyn, is located on 7th Avenue between 14th and 15th Streets. Everyone who works there is very awesome because they love me, and more than once I have gotten a free treat (if you are not as cute as I am you will have to pay fifty cents for those treats).

My boyfriend lives right near Parco, so sometimes he picks up a treat on his way to visit me, and other times he sends one home with Cousin Mary. I should tell you how these treats are in my mouth. They are awesome. I can taste carrots and also cinnamon and Cousin Mary tells me they are made with whole-wheat flour which is good for me, because it has fiber, and that helps me poop, and I definitely enjoy pooping but only in the park. Not on the sidewalk, my god, what kind of animal do you think I am? I am a dog.

Back to the treats. They are shaped like doggie bones, that classic doggie bone shape that so many treats have, but since these are homemade by humans not machines they don't all look the same. Sometimes they are a little crunchy and sometimes they are a little chewy and sometimes they are pillowy-soft, that's what I like best, pillowy-soft. My boyfriend knows this and he tries to rummage around in the basket for a soft one and that is why he is my boyfriend.

Sometimes I drool on the floor when I am eating these treats. I guess that's embarrassing, but I can't help it, I think about the treat and it's in my mouth and my mouth waters and I'm chewing the treat and there's another bite headed my way and at times like these, you know, drool happens. I like my treats. I don't have them every day, so I enjoy them when I do have them, and after I have one I like to lie down somewhere, the floor, let's say, and think about how lucky I am to have such delicious treats in my mouth on a fairly regular basis.

some sticks are bigger than others

2005-05-18T11:23:00.000-04:00

I had an interesting experience in the park the other day.

My boyfriend and Cousin Mary had taken me out on a long walk. Cousin Mary has been a bit weird lately, I don't know what it is. She keeps sneezing and talking about how she has to send out her ress-you-may. I am not sure what that is, or where she keeps it and where she's sending it, but she's definitely been acting weird and sometimes she sits on the floor and looks really panicky. I try to lick her face, but it doesn't always help.

Anyway, everyone decided that a long walk would be good for all of us, so off we went to the park. We walked all around and I sniffed a lot of things. You can learn a lot about things, by sniffing them. For example, you can learn how they smell. This is very interesting and I highly recommend you try it (although, fyi, if you're walking with Cousin Mary, she will never let you smell the garbage bags, even if you plead very hard with your eyes, and she will say things like "No" and "Stop that" and I wonder if maybe all the sneezing is affecting her brain, because garbage bags are specifically important to smell). But I digress.

After a fun trip to the waterfall we headed back to the field where the sticks live. OH MY GOD I LOVE STICKS SO MUCH I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM. Sometimes I love the sticks so much I just want to run away with them and touch them and love them with my mouth. Everyone's all, "Hey Goose, give me the stick," but they don't understand. STICKS ARE MINE. Mine. My beloved sticks!

I fetched sticks for what seemed like a very long time, but it may have only been a short time. I don't know, I am a dog. I lay in the grass and looked at the grass and also the sky and it was all very big and nice and my mind wandered, I don't know where it went, it didn't tell me. Finally my boyfriend said he had to get going so we started to walk back across the park, and that's when he found it.

A big stick.

A really big stick.

The biggest stick I had ever seen.

In fact, Cousin Mary said it wasn't a stick but a log. I didn't know. It was huge.

My boyfriend thought it would be funny to throw this big stick, this SuperStick, if you will. He picked it up with both hands and heaved it. It didn't go very far (usually when people throw sticks, regular sticks that is, I have to run and run to catch them). I was confused. This was new. What did it mean? I figured I should try to run after the SuperStick, so I did, but when I got there I put my mouth on it and I couldn't move it. It was significantly larger than I am. I looked at the stick and wagged my tail but it still would not move. It was too big for me, too heavy. I put my mouth on it once more just to make sure, but I couldn't do it.

I felt a funny feeling. I felt sort of, I guess, defeated by this SuperStick. Maybe some kind of SuperDog would be able to pick up this stick and run around with it. Maybe I am a failure. Maybe I'm just not good enough. The SuperStick is too much for me.

I thought about this as we left the park. For a while I was sad. But by the time we got home I realized something that I think is very important. You see, there are lots of sticks in the park. Hundreds. Thousands. And I can pick most of them up with my mouth and carry them and destroy them and love them and then eat them. There was just this one stick, an abnormally challenging stick, that proved too difficult even for my mouth-power. That doesn't mean I'm a failure! It just means it's the wrong stick for me.

Thinking about it that way made me feel a whole lot better.

a pleasant afternoon

2005-05-14T18:44:00.000-04:00

I just had a very nice afternoon. My mom went off to New Jersey after her big art show, so I stayed home with Cousin Mary, who took me on a fun walk.

We went to visit my boyfriend at the store where he works. It was so awesome, because Cousin Mary didn't tell me where we were going at first - I just knew we weren't going to the park where all the sticks live, because we turned the other way, and we walked and walked and then we turned a corner and WHOA! Look who it is! My boyfriend!

I was so excited I jumped up and down and did a little dance and drooled a bit. We went into the store and I totally helped with customer service, in that I provided the important service of being really cute while the customers shopped. If I were not so committed to my current career path (dog), I might consider a career in sales.

After saying goodbye to my boyfriend, Cousin Mary and I wandered around the neighborhood and looked at all the people selling things on their stoops. Some mini-humans were throwing a tennis ball back and forth and that was incredibly thrilling and also mysterious - how did they know I wanted a tennis ball? But Cousin Mary said I was not allowed to put the mini-humans' tennis ball in my mouth. That made me sad for a moment, but then we got to the park and holy cow, it's a bumper crop of sticks out there! I found so many good ones I didn't know what to do with them all. I picked up one, then another, then another. Cousin Mary started throwing sticks and I hunted them down with great ferocity and then I mauled them with my mouth. It was such a rush.

We just got home, and I want to eat some kibble, but I thought I would check in with the internet first. That's how I do. I am a dog.

BOOM CRASH

2005-04-28T16:24:00.000-04:00

Last night there was thunder and also lightning.

I am a dog and I do not particularly enjoy thunder or lightning. I'm not ashamed to admit it: I was scared. The sky was going BOOM BOOM BANG CRASH! and while I am not exactly a small dog, I am also not a very large dog, and if the sky were to collapse on me I would surely get squashed.

My mom was not home. Cousin Mary was not home. Aunt Suzannah was home for a while, but she was leaving, even though I asked her very nicely to stay with me in case the sky fell. She explained that she really had to go, but she turned all the lights on and put the TV on loud. I lay in front of the TV and closed my eyes after she left. BOOM BOOM BANG BANG BOOM CRASH.

Eventually the BOOM CRASHING stopped and I fell asleep. Then Cousin Mary came home and freaked out because I was all alone with the lights on and the TV on but no other people were around so she asked me if anyone had broken in to the apartment and kidnapped mom or Aunt Suzannah. I tried to tell her that everything was fine, but I am a dog, so all I could do was wag my tail while she tiptoed around with her utility knife, checking the closets for kidnappers.

I really do hate thunder, though. If thunder were a stick in the park I would totally eat it with my mouth.

thinking

2005-04-18T16:11:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I start wondering about the meaning of life. What is it? Other times I start wondering about the future. What does it hold?I usually stop this after a few minutes, though, because I am a dog and I would rather lick my feet.

road trip!

2005-04-16T08:26:00.000-04:00

Hello, internet! My mom and I are about to leave on an exciting road trip to Washington, D.C. We are going to visit our friends the Pickles. I am not making this up! Their last name is the same as a delicious salty treat! Also, they have a really nice doggie named Sophie, who I used to play with in Texas, so it will be good to see her again. I am told that it's cherry blossom season in D.C., but I'm not sure what that means, because I am a dog.

I was just informed that "we're leaving really soon," so I'd better eat my kibble and get ready. Not that I have to do anything to get ready (I'm a dog!), but still, you know what I mean. It's going to be so much fun to ride in a car again. Yay! Car! I wonder if I'll get to drive. Probably not, seeing as I'm a dog and all.

Back tomorrow! Have a nice weekend, everyone!

today was a nice day.

2005-04-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

Today was a nice day. My boyfriend came over in the afternoon when Mary got home from school. Did you just notice how I made links to their websites right there? Pretty impressive, considering I am a dog.

Anyway, first we had some tummy rubs, and then we went to the cheap laundromat so Mary could leave her laundry. I waited outside and was patient. Then we went to the photo store so Mary could leave her film. I waited outside and was patient. Then Bryan and Mary decided they wanted to eat italian ice, so we walked over to Uncle Louie G's on Fifth Ave. Bryan got the peanut butter cup ice and Mary got the cappucino ice. I did not get any ice, because I am a dog.

I was, however, offered a dish of water.

Then we walked around Fifth Avenue and looked at shops and restaurants and people and we sniffed the ground and wrapped the leash around people's legs. I did those last two, I'm the dog. Mary went into a shop and the owner indicated that dogs were welcome so I got to go inside too. Bryan and Mary looked at things in the shop and they seemed excited by them but I couldn't see everything because the shelves were over my head because I am a dog.

Next Bryan wanted to eat something more like a meal than an italian ice, so he went into the Bageltique and I waited outside and was not patient. I was anxious! I couldn't see where he had gone! He was in there for a long time! You know, one human year is seven years for a dog, so your ten-minute wait in the bagel line is, like, an eternity for me, because I am a dog.

Finally the people understood the psychic messages I had been sending since we left, and we headed over to the park. YAY PARK! YAY! LET'S PEE! Bryan and Mary made me stay with them instead of sauntering over to the nice lady with the tasty-smelling ankles. Damn them. And Bryan wouldn't share his sandwich, so I was totally going to break up with him, but then I forgot about that. YAY PARK! STICK! LET'S FETCH! I fetched and fetched. I demolished those sticks like WHAT. Mary threw this one really awesome stick and I got it really fast and awesomely and then I ATE IT. Take that, people! I don't need your stinking sandwich! I have tasty sticks!

Bryan had his camera so he took lots of pictures of me doing the following things: sitting, standing, walking, running, looking up at a stick, and being adorable. We ran and ran. We frolicked and frolicked. Then Mary took pictures of me running and frolicking with Bryan. Then I was so tired I had to go lie down with some choice items from my stick collection. Mary and Bryan sat on a bench nearby and talked about something that did not interest me, as it did not involve sticks.

I was so tired from all the fun times that I politely asked if we could go home. And so we did. When we got home Bryan gave me some goodbye hugs and tummy rubs and I French-kissed him right in front of Mary because I am sassy like that, and then he left and Mary gave me some kibble and some fresh water and then I passed out. But not before signing on to the internet, of course!

a test

2005-04-12T19:26:00.000-04:00

this is a test.

I am a dog.